I met this girl she's really nice Her name is Sarah Hertsonweiss She looks a lot like me But that dress kind of makes her look fat And if I were her I'd hide my hair in my hat I met this girl shes really cute Shes really talented to boot Her name is Petulia I hear that shes a great actor Too bad she uses imitation max factor There can only be one of my type in this town And its bad enough that I am short There can only be one still standing her ground After the coroners report I met this girl who's really nice I bet that she's got pubic lice She got from her ex Boyfriend Or just because shes a whore A dirty ugly whore I met this girl who's really cute With a face id like to shoot Shes always taking my parts Well at least I can sing on key Lalalalala look at me There can only be one ingenue's best friend And I'm gonna get cast in this show There can only be one left alive in the end And I'll tell you how far I will go I will go to her agent and tell them she's pregnant Create a few nasty detours I will go to the office and file a report That she's been taking non-equity tours I will blacklist her name and say she hates gays Tell her manager she's shopping around I will post nude pics of her on the web Cau'se horse face you're so going down I hate you so damn much Please die And when the smoke has cleared away On that happy day of days When I'm on broadway And all my dreams are revealed They'll find what's left of your head in a field Why do they all have to move in next door can't they just take a hint and get goin? Just when your champagne's ready to pour Some bitch of a whore gets her foot in the door Right when you get a toe in There can only be one of me in this town And I'm sticking my neck out in front There can only be one still standing her ground You fat friggin cow of a cuuu...aann we play sisters? Oh sure! That'd be fine But you better watch your back you big stupid bitch (silence) Cause ill be watching you every line
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